Ladies and gentlespoons. Sorry it's been a while. I've been, y'know, working. I tactically chose not to put VPN on my new laptop so I can't use the internet (and thus facebook, twitter etc) in the library, which means that all my internet time is restricted to my room and inevitably consists of watching crappy television or light relief or ogling other people having lives via social media. My first priority has not been to keep you all informed about what I'm doing, because for the vast majority of you, what I'm doing holds no interest. I fricking love it (mostly). But I'm not going to bound to my room every evening, laptop in hand, to tell you that there is a reference to Athenian naval symmories in Philochorus fragment 328 f41. Or that Catullus 64 is a direct influence on Virgil's 4th Eclogue. Or that there actually wasn't a conspiracy being formed in Germany in Gaius Caligula's rule. I could, but I choose (largely) not to.
Why have you come crawling back now? I hear you cry. Well, I guess I never really intended to put my blog to one side, I just always found other things to do. I would frequently remember about blogging in the library and then forget on the long (I jest) walk back to my room. I've just been faffing about on the internet this evening because I don't know whether to accept that I won't be able to sleep and watch a long-ish movie, or whether I should watch something shorter and thus get to bed earlier. This is a standard dilemma. I've been sleeping approximately 5-6 hours a night. Not through choice, you understand. I lie awake til 1ish and wake up around 7 whether I want to or not. I tend to be ready to hit the library by the time my alarm goes off. My eyes are tired and my head aches (although that might be because I have a permanent semi-frown). Moany moany. I should mention that the other reason for picking up a blog is so that I can complain in a general way about all the things I want to complain about, but which aren't fair to do so because everyone here is going through the same thing. I can't even complain to my parents at the moment because my mum is about to go into hospital for an operation and as she rather brusquely told me today, 'the world doesn't stop just because you have exams'. GAAAAH I know that! I was in such a miff when she then told me she was going to watch a movie that I didn't tell her about all the various slightly-less-exam-related things I was going to tell her, put the phone down and cried. That's not necessarily a reflection on her - everything is making me cry at the moment - but still.
If I can't have a mope to my own mother, who am I supposed to go to? I just want hugs. I literally want a shoulder to cry on. And I want my mum to realise that I'm trying really really hard not to be selfish and that I'm worried about her and this really isn't helping. Also it's all very well saying 'exams' and 'you'll be fine' and 'of course we'll be happy if you get a 2.1' and 'just do the best you can do' but none of this is really helpful or to the purpose or even a little bit comforting. I know my parents think I'm going to waltz straight to a first without even blinking. Or at least, I know that this is what they want to think. And while I want to do as well as I can for me, there is a very strong element of the 'hilarious' comments they used to make when I would bring home, eg, my year 9 school exam results. 'Only 94%? Why didn't you get 100%?'. Comedy gold. Not.
Also my roommate, bless her, came in this evening and said '14 hours in the library. That's alright, isn't it?'. Well. I mean. How am I possibly supposed to feel like I'm doing enough when I am living with such a driven, efficient demon of a worker?
More things to moan about: I think the fresher living below me has a new girlfriend. This is not cool. It's also really embarrassing to deal with. Also, I need to find a commoner's gown between now and 20th May, and probably also a new velvet ribbon because I never cleaned my old one and it's a bit crusty after my Mods trashing (nb - trashing - people throw things over you after you have finished your exams. Cathartic. Occasionally unpleasant. Made up for with immediate presentation of booze and lots of cheering. Source of great excitement among finalists). Also also, I still haven't got even the merest whiff of a job. And finally, CAN THEY JUST BE OVER ALREADY.
That is all. I may post again. I may not. Nos morituri, etc etc.
