post eventum

Folks. If any of you are still reading this - thanks. I know I've been worse than useless about keeping you updated. The fact is that the internet/library/computer situation only continued long into term time (for which fact I probably owe a significant proportion of my - as yet unknown - marks). Whenever I wasn't in the library I was invariably watching the Big Bang Theory with Leila. Or sometimes Lewis. Or Morse. There was more than one occasion where it got to 11pm and I couldn't sleep - and while I could have got out my pooter and told you all about it, I preferred to retreat to the alternative reality of cinema. I watched a LOT of films at 1am this term. They ranged from the exceedingly silly - Captain America - to the pleasingly frivolous - Water for Elephants - to the absolute classic - The Prime of Miss Jean Brodie. As I say, I watched a lot of films. 


The first episode of this season's Lewis was exciting - it was filmed in part at Exeter, under the pseudonym 'Carlisle College'. I saw it being filmed last year when I was commuting to Reading but still living in Oxford - as I also saw part of the episode that they filmed on Holywell Street (cycled past that on more than one occasion!). However the excitement of the Exeter - based Lewis episode was the fleeting side shot of our 2011 blades chalking. And the side in view? The side with my name on. Thanks very much. They're currently filming the last ever season of Lewis in Oxford right now. It's odd to think that I won't walk past Laurence Fox or Kevin Whately just randomly again. Unless they're still there when I go back to Oxford for a wedding, and then again for graduation, in July. Probably for the best as my love for James Hathaway has reached unprecedented levels.. 


So - sorry for not keeping you all up to date with my revision. You would probably have been bored by it anyway. I really enjoyed some parts of it - I did have a bit of a meltdown about 2 weeks in to term, mind - and FINGERS CROSSED I've done as well as other people seem to think I'm going to. Exams were mostly alright. I had a fortune cookie at the end of 5th week that said 'all your hard work will soon pay off'. I'm really hoping that's true. After exams - well, it was throwing it down with rain at mine and Jess' trashing, which was sad. I think I made a bit of a fool of myself at schools dinner with a speech about pineapples but that was because I was drinking away the disappointment of Robin Lane Fox, my tutor and hero, forgetting to turn up. 8th week was fun, if damp - daytimes tended to be quiet but evenings were good. I went to the last Formal and Park End on Wednesday which was absolutely brilliant, because evenings involving Michael (drunk) and cheesy music are really where it's at. Thursday a group of lovely ladies had extravagant cocktails on the roof of the Ashmolean. We didn't shimmy up there illegally, you understand - they've got a rooftop cafe. We also had afternoon tea at the Old Parsonage and we spent Friday drinking champagne in the Botanic Gardens, followed by drinks with RLF and more drinking, ExCac etc. I was very very drunk on Friday. But then it was the last day of term. Lots of people left on the rainy Saturday that followed. I couldn't really believe I was saying goodbye to people for what could be the last time. I still can't, as it happens. I went out to Banbury on Sunday to have lunch with Alison and her husband Jonathon. They're great. I love their house, their attitude, their relationship and their interest in me - it's not like I'm a special case and yet I feel like Alison has taken me under her wing. Despite leaving for Banbury at midday (after a cheeky trip around the Ashmolean) I came back on the last train home. 


I had a job interview on Monday of 9th week and had to dash back and get ready for the Leaver's Ball. I naturally drank a considerable amount of wine but had a lovely evening, dancing like a crazy person with Laura and talking to lots of people who I don't know when I'll see again. Hassans on the way back and ensconcement in the MCR courtesy of Tom completed the experience. I also did something which I still can't decide whether it was a responsible thing to do or not. It's possible I may have done harm where I was intending to do good. 


Tuesday I met Chris in Uni Parks. It was just like old times. He told me some excellent news - well, gossip, really - about his housemates. It was nice to leave Oxford on that note. And leave it I did - on the X5, with my poor abused bike and all my remaining worldly goods. Bye bye Oxford. 


I've been back in Cambridge just over a week, now. Mostly I'm on call for making my mum cups of tea and accompanying her on car journeys so I can take over if she gets tired (she's recovering from surgery she had over my exams). I've done a lot of baking and applying for jobs - I didn't get the school one - and I think I might try and spend some time in Israel this coming year. I've also bought a bikini (my first one) and a gorgeous dress for the wedding. 


Funny what people consider newsworthy, isn't it? 


The wait for results continues. I don't know whether I'll post them in a blog. Seems a bit .. self-publicising? I guess that's what a blog is, but still. Anyway. I'll know in a week. Til then...

T-2 weeks

Ladies and gentlespoons. Sorry it's been a while. I've been, y'know, working. I tactically chose not to put VPN on my new laptop so I can't use the internet (and thus facebook, twitter etc) in the library, which means that all my internet time is restricted to my room and inevitably consists of watching crappy television or light relief or ogling other people having lives via social media. My first priority has not been to keep you all informed about what I'm doing, because for the vast majority of you, what I'm doing holds no interest. I fricking love it (mostly). But I'm not going to bound to my room every evening, laptop in hand, to tell you that there is a reference to Athenian naval symmories in Philochorus fragment 328 f41. Or that Catullus 64 is a direct influence on Virgil's 4th Eclogue. Or that there actually wasn't a conspiracy being formed in Germany in Gaius Caligula's rule. I could, but I choose (largely) not to. 


Why have you come crawling back now? I hear you cry. Well, I guess I never really intended to put my blog to one side, I just always found other things to do. I would frequently remember about blogging in the library and then forget on the long (I jest) walk back to my room. I've just been faffing about on the internet this evening because I don't know whether to accept that I won't be able to sleep and watch a long-ish movie, or whether I should watch something shorter and thus get to bed earlier. This is a standard dilemma. I've been sleeping approximately 5-6 hours a night. Not through choice, you understand. I lie awake til 1ish and wake up around 7 whether I want to or not. I tend to be ready to hit the library by the time my alarm goes off. My eyes are tired and my head aches (although that might be because I have a permanent semi-frown). Moany moany. I should mention that the other reason for picking up a blog is so that I can complain in a general way about all the things I want to complain about, but which aren't fair to do so because everyone here is going through the same thing. I can't even complain to my parents at the moment because my mum is about to go into hospital for an operation and as she rather brusquely told me today, 'the world doesn't stop just because you have exams'. GAAAAH I know that! I was in such a miff when she then told me she was going to watch a movie that I didn't tell her about all the various slightly-less-exam-related things I was going to tell her, put the phone down and cried. That's not necessarily a reflection on her - everything is making me cry at the moment - but still.


If I can't have a mope to my own mother, who am I supposed to go to? I just want hugs. I literally want a shoulder to cry on. And I want my mum to realise that I'm trying really really hard not to be selfish and that I'm worried about her and this really isn't helping. Also it's all very well saying 'exams' and 'you'll be fine' and 'of course we'll be happy if you get a 2.1' and 'just do the best you can do' but none of this is really helpful or to the purpose or even a little bit comforting. I know my parents think I'm going to waltz straight to a first without even blinking. Or at least, I know that this is what they want to think. And while I want to do as well as I can for me, there is a very strong element of the 'hilarious' comments they used to make when I would bring home, eg, my year 9 school exam results. 'Only 94%? Why didn't you get 100%?'. Comedy gold. Not. 


Also my roommate, bless her, came in this evening and said '14 hours in the library. That's alright, isn't it?'. Well. I mean. How am I possibly supposed to feel like I'm doing enough when I am living with such a driven, efficient demon of a worker? 


More things to moan about: I think the fresher living below me has a new girlfriend. This is not cool. It's also really embarrassing to deal with. Also, I need to find a commoner's gown between now and 20th May, and probably also a new velvet ribbon because I never cleaned my old one and it's a bit crusty after my Mods trashing (nb - trashing - people throw things over you after you have finished your exams. Cathartic. Occasionally unpleasant. Made up for with immediate presentation of booze and lots of cheering. Source of great excitement among finalists). Also also, I still haven't got even the merest whiff of a job. And finally, CAN THEY JUST BE OVER ALREADY. 


That is all. I may post again. I may not. Nos morituri, etc etc. 

nyuuurrrghhh

Hullo chaps. It's been a very long day in the library. 8.45 til 8.45, in fact. Jeez, I didn't even realise I'd been there that long til I wrote that down. Don't worry, I took some breaks. If I'd stayed there unmoving for that long I would probably have frozen to that spot. Not because it's cold in the library, mind. Apart from the slightly odd breeze, it's usually pretty snuggly - I'm next to a radiator and a window, so temperature regulation is pretty easy game. No, I would probably freeze in place in that I would be rendered incapable of moving my limbs. Turned to stone, if you will. I frequently realise when I'm working that my shoulders are up around my ears and really sore. As in, to the extent that I try and relax them and think I have and then realise they can actually sink another inch or three. And then I have a beautiful moment of tension-free relaxation and minutes later I am back to being Mrs Hunchback of Notre Dame. 
Alas. 


This is on my mind slightly because I rang the physio department today to book an appointment, like I was told I should at my last one, and apparently I've left it too long and can't get one without being referred back again by my GP. WHY. WHY? and thrice WHY, I ask you? Why is it necessary for all this to-ing and fro-ing? Why can't at least one aspect of my existence be rendered marginally less stressful?


Anyway. It's been a long day (another one of those dreams where I dreamed I woke up really late and then *actually* woke up and it was 6.45am) and this just tipped me over the edge a bit, so I've been super grumpy all afternoon (apart from a much - needed injection of hilarity by the arrival of Rachel. I <3 that girl). Buuuuut now I'm simultaneously writing a blog, 'helping' Leila internet shop and also listening to her hilariously politically incorrect but very economically sound ideas about jobs. And also watching her try on her shawl, which she's currently getting tied up in. I have missed sharing a room. 


Anyway, I'm feeling more cheerful about life now. It's not all bad. G'nighty!

not sure what day it is, let alone how many days I've been blogging...

Hello lovely people. Sorry for my prolonged absence. I am back and communicating with you from my shiny new laptop, which my pa bought for me at great expense (I have to pay him back, obvs) because my old one may conk out at any second, taking all my Finals revision + work with it. Which would be a disaster. Not that I haven't backed up pretty much everything about a zillion times, but still. I would probably have a cardiac arrest on the spot so it wouldn't be much use anyway. 


I'm not sure how long I've been away and therefore what you've missed, but basically, since I got back to Oxford (yup, I'm back now) I've pretty much just been living it large in the library, booyeah. I remembered to pick up my own thermos before I left home so I have been taking that in with me, more or less blatantly depending on how rebellious I'm feeling and whether the librarian looks like they might care. I've also triumphantly reclaimed my former spot (on the corner closest to the window on the second desk from the door) so library banter with Jess and Becky continues apace. Also, it's -1st week. When did this happen?! How is it suddenly nearly term time? OH GOD. Slightly excessive amounts of time off (or possibly implausible expectations about doing work at home) have meant that I am a leetle behind on my work schedule but I'm unsure what to do about this. I feel like I'm better served absolutely nailing some phenomenal, all-encompassing notes for my Greek history topic (which is huge and involves lots of itty-bitty details as well as enormous amounts of general understanding) rather than doing a half-arsed job on that and then moving on to other stuff to get it all done... but the problem is that unless I formulate a solid plan, I'll just keep spinning out Greek history and won't look at the other 2 - no, shoot, 3 papers I still have left to look at. Shiiiiiiit. No, it's ok. Two of those topics I revised pretty solidly over Christmas. I've still got time. Yup. Yup. Keep telling yourself that. NOW I'M TALKING TO MYSELF. 


Sorry. 


In other news, my mouth hurts. Paracetamol and bonjela are simultaneously saving the day. I think I have a wisdom tooth coming through because my jaw ACHES, but I've thought that before and been wrong, so maybe my jaw just aches because it wants to. Also my ear hurts. And my tongue, where I have some naaaassty ulcers (TMI?) which may be stress-related but may also be to do with the fact that my jaw doesn't seem to be aligning properly and in my mouth's natural resting position my tongue is effectively being constantly bitten. Niiiice. And this is of course matzah-only season, so I can't even eat nice squishy bread type things but have to consume crunchy, crackery things only, which is deffo not helping. Sadface. 


Anyway. Rant over on that front, for now. I should probably go to bed soon, because I've got a whole day of deciphering Robin Lane Fox's insane handwriting and lecture handouts ahead of me tomorrow. What day is tomorrow again? Oh. Friday 13th. Sounds ominous. 


If I'm not eaten by giant killer rats erupting from beneath the library floorboards, I'll blog again soon. 

158 years of 'elitism'

Today my facebook and twitter feeds have been filled with Boat Race related chat. Given that I study at Oxford and live in Cambridge, and today is the day of the yearly racing clash, I would have confidently predicted this outcome. But I would never have predicted what everyone is talking about.

Today the boat race had to be restarted because a swimmer appeared just a short distance away from the Oxford boat, narrowly missing having his head taken off by a blade swooshing past him. After the restart, the Oxford boat crashed into the Cambridge one and the 6-man broke his blade. Oxford crossed the line 7 lengths behind Cambridge and their bowman ended up being carted away in an ambulance. Despite initial celebrations from Cambridge, probably before they realised how ill Oxford's bow was, presentation of trophies and so on was delayed and the ceremony was fairly sober. Both teams were clearly shaken by the restart and its effects.

It emerged after the medical emergency was over that the swimmer's name was Trenton Oldfield. He has a page. It has been doing the rounds of the social media sites. It's difficult to know where to begin, really.

One could say this man is a hypocrite. He too has benefited from the privileged education he accuses the 'elite' of having. He went to a good university. He has a membership of the Royal Society of Arts. He sounds like someone with an enormous chip on his shoulder. One could add that this education doesn't seem to have done much for him. His page is poorly spelled, riddled with grammatical errors and reads breathlessly and incoherently. His 'examples from history' are selective and miss out some pretty crucial ones. I'm biased, obviously, but I think 5th century Athens is a pretty good example he could have picked to demonstrate the overthrow of tyranny by the people.

The problem here is that many people are only picking up on the fact that he appears to be a hypocrite. We should consider that one can choose to use the system in order to empower oneself to fight it later on. But we should also consider how he has chosen to express his disgust at 'the elite'. He has disrupted a sporting event which he avows no-one who is not a part of that scene watches or has any interest in. He has ruined the culminating moment of months, possibly years of training for around twenty people. I doubt he could tell you the backgrounds of all the participants in the boat race. He has screwed something up that has small relevance to what he is protesting about. There are a lot of miserable athletes in London at the moment because of him. No-one's impressed at a football match when there's a pitch invasion that stops play - why should things be taken any less seriously in this case?

Yes, it was a stunt, and stunts are designed to attract attention and comment. Many people do feel that Oxbridge gets undeserved attention and that it is populated by toffs and the privileged. But this is a vicious cycle, and it's also symptomatic of the British inability to feel good about anything we do well. We have some of the best universities in the world and instead of celebrating them and encouraging ALL capable students to aim for them, we set them up (and we are all, as a nation, guilty of doing this to some extent) on a pedestal. Anyone who gets into them is derided by those that didn't make it and welcomed by those that did. Immediately a conflict is created and because of this deep-seated desire to widen the breach, people fall into the stereotypes that the divide creates. These stereotypes get names like 'the elite' and 'the people'. What about the boundary-breakers, the state-school kids that slave away and apply to Oxford thinking they won't get in, but do, and go, and enjoy it? Well, to begin with, they are celebrated for the way they beat the elites at their own game. But in time they too are derided for becoming traitors to the group from which they came. When they realise they've been rejected by one group, they throw themselves whole-heartedly into the other. And stunts like this one only reinforce the divide. The interested world is currently split into people who are outraged at the stunt, bemoaning the stupidity of the protest and commiserating with the disappointed athletes, and people who are celebrating it.

The Iron Law of Oligarchy states that the more complicated a state/system of government, the more likely it is that it will end up, sooner or later, being run by a small (probably elite) group. However, this Iron Law seems to have one exception - truly democratic Athens. Athens worked because although there were class and wealth distinctions, everyone had to listen to everyone else, and everyone was just as informed as everyone else. There was equality of interest and equality of knowledge. If we all choose to become truly involved, instead of just latching on to generalisations and stereotypes, we will be able to put aside our mistrust of each other. Apathy and ignorance breed resentment and decline. We have to stop seeing 'sides' and we have to be cautious of labels like 'hypocrite'. Everyone who wants knowledge must be encouraged to seek it. It is so readily available! Seize it! And seize the day!

Day 23 - review of the week so far

Greetings all. Today is my parents' 25th wedding anniversary. Happy days for them. They are celebrating in Jerusalem and then heading to Tel Aviv in time for the first night of Passover, which starts tomorrow. I am back from Scotland and as predicted have spent the morning sorting out washing and whatnot. I am hoping that even if mother returns and isn't impressed with the standard of cleanliness in the house (that's what we'll be sorting on Sunday) she will at least forgive me for having washed, dried and ironed EVERYTHING. 


Scotland was lovely visit-wise. Travel-wise it was a nightmare. I am never letting anyone book travel arrangements on my behalf ever again. Spent hours and hours and hours at Luton airport on Sunday afternoon and had a similarly late, delayed and stressful journey home last night. The bit in the middle was great, though. I've probably eaten more this week than I have any other week this term, and it's only Thursday... was lovely to see the family - cousins that I haven't encountered for a looong time and uncles and aunts that I haven't seen in nearly as long. Everyone's so big and grown up now, bless. Ray (computer genius uncle) tried everything with my computer but he reckons it's pretty much knackered. While this is not ideal news, I do now have an expert corroborator so I can tell my parents it is imperative that I obtain a new laptop. AND he copied I, Claudius for me (and also many seasons of The Big Bang Theory, which may become my 30 Rock). I had proper Scottish smoked salmon from the oldest smokehouse in Scotland, and superfresh fish and chips from Peterhead, and homemade scotch pancakes made by a real Scottish person (my aunt), and was generally pampered and thoroughly overfed. I also played many many games of jumbo bananagrams and other bizarre games like 'Munchkin' and 'Whoonu'. Aaaaah, families. AND we went for a walk on the beach (despite hail, snow, high winds and freezing temperatures) and climbed all over the dunes. Booyeah. 


On a less cheerful note, exam timetables were released and the only thing I like about mine is that I finish with Jess on Thursday of 7th week, in plenty of time for Kathleen's graduation that Saturday and allowing sufficient opportunity to enjoy 8th week. Apart from that it is vile. Uuuuuuugh. Why have four days of exams one after the other and then  two more exams a week apart? WHY?! Grumble, moan etc. Still. I am hoping that as my last two papers are translation ones I will be able to ace them since I will have nothing to do except read Tacitus for a week. Hooray. 


Right. I need to plan some menus, read the Republic and write a job application before Emily gets here tonight. Ambitious? I think so. Later, 'gators xx

April Fool

Jetting off (lol) to Scotland this afternoon for a few days with the highland clan. Meanwhile, the parents are on a plane to Israel. Their top predicted temperature - 36degrees. Ours - 6. Nice. My sister (age 15) told me her bag was really heavy because of all the revision stuff she's bringing on the plane. Incredulous, I asked what on earth she was revising for. She said indignantly, 'I've got an RE exam on May 15th'. I said 'that's when my Finals start. I absolutely refuse to allow you to bring revision with you on a holiday where I am expressly not allowed to take any revision'. She's in a bit of a huff with me but seriously, I'm not going to be made to feel guilty by my teenage sister who thinks (at the moment, at least) that GCSEs are the be-all and end-all. So there. 

I know I've missed two days of blogging and that's really naughty but srsly, how many of you noticed? Probs not many. On Thursday eve I had a bit of a crisis about my life and panicked when I realised I didn't know who to call. I think I'm just in a low place at the moment because just about everything is making me cry, and it's compounded by the fact that I'm at home and not surrounded by people in the same position as me in Oxford. I really really needed to get away from work but home does not exactly feel the relaxing and supportive environment I could wish for at the moment.

Friday was nice, because we had a family day out in London when pretty much everyone was on their best behaviour for most of the time. My dad was (finally) graduating from his Open University degree course. We were scanning the programme beforehand and realised that of the two people receiving honorary degrees that day, one of them was ANNIE LENNOX no less. So obviously my dad was smug as a smug person because he shook her hand as well as the chancellor's when he collected his certificate. We also did a bit of shopping around Seven Dials (I took my mum and sister into Fatface to show them a pair of shorts I had tried on and really liked, and they proceeded to try them on also and then buy them for themselves. Goddamit) and had dinner out. 

Saturday I was basically left to my own devices all day because clearly, the horse must come first. I know my mum would say 'schedules don't change just because you're back' buuuuut... they should. Just this once. So I baked and sorted washing and ironed and packed and eventually the rest of the family deigned to show up, whereupon they all had to pack and so on and so forth. We did all eat together I guess, but what a waste of a day at home. I didn't leave the house once. Moan moan moan. I know, get a grip, people have bigger problems etc. I think my parents have chosen to forget the massive paddy I threw when they said they were planning to go away this week and I pointed out that was the week I had planned to come home. I don't think they have twigged that the reason I want to come home is to see them, not to bake or sleep in my own bed or wash clothes for free. They aren't getting back from Israel until Sunday evening, but if I were to go back to Oxford before they get back I would be in trouble, I just know it. Gaaaaah. If I'd not taken this time off I could have had a whole extra day for every paper and still slotted in days off in between. They're just absolutely clueless. They don't even want to hear explanations. Chilling out is not an option. They think I can breeze through my exams and get a first without even trying, and that even if I don't then it doesn't matter. 

Uuuuuugghhh. I don't know when I'll next be online. I'm taking my laptop up to Scotland but only because it's knackered and my uncle is a computer whizz. He might fix it, or he might tell me it can't be saved. I'm really hoping it's the former. 

Til then, ave atque vale.